Once upon a time, there was a girl named Katherine who lived in Waltham and had a birthday party with 123456789 friends. They arrived by roller skis and upon entering Katherine’s house, were asked to leave their yarmulkes at the door. They ate lasagna and cheeseburgers, drank V8 juice, and generally had a scrumptious time.

For her 27th birthday, she decided to visit a fortune teller to find out what the next year would look like.

So she took a rickshaw to Orange, MA. Upon entering the cyan building, she was greeted by a short, 7 feet 3 inches tall man named Jackson. They sat down and Jackson held Katherine’s uvula, told her to count to 13, and then look into the crystal pencil.

Jackson said that over the next year, Katherine would quit her job as a physical therapist, become a nurse anesthetist, and move to Philly. It paid well: $1.28 per hour. She would buy a tent and get a panda as a pet. She named it Winston. She would also become obsessed with “Word Girl” and hopping. She would become a contestant on “$25,000 Pyramid” and win $1.25.

Katherine would travel to far away places like Australia and the Isle of Wight. She’d try new foods like lice dipped in flailing Grey Poupon.

She would take up ping pong to stay in shape. It was intense as she had to practice 11 hours a day, 5 days a week. Because of this time commitment, Katherine had to give up brushing her teeth and picking her nose. All the training paid off as she qualified for the London Olympics and placed 21st out of 48 competitors.

Katherine would become pregnant and have a baby. The baby arrived after 444 hours of labor and was born on Groundhog Day. She would name it Aladdin. The baby looked exactly like Katherine’s second cousin once removed, cried like a llama, had poops that smelled like pumpkin pie, but generally slept through the night.

When the fortune telling was over, Katherine thanked Jackson and left. She seemed skeptical, but felt confident that 42% of the fortune would come true. Find out in a year how much actually did come true!

Thanks Chris, Jo, Ben, Ryan, Cindy, Melissa, Amy, Sarah, April, Kathleen, Lauren, and Mom!